Jokes about Americans

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

What do you call someone who speaks one language?
    "An American".

     A Cuban, a Frenchman, an American, and an American lawyer are riding on a train. The Cuban begins praising one his nation's most famous products.

     "In Cuba", he says, "we make the world's finest cigars. Just smell this beautiful hand-rolled cigar. Furthermore, we make them in such abundance that we can waste them with impunity". Saying that, he tosses the cigar out the window of the speeding train.

     The Frenchman responds, "Oui, that is quite true, and in my country we make the finest cheeses". He displays a hunk of fine cheese to the others and says, "France is famous for its fine cheeses, and we produce so much that we too can waste them without a thought." Saying that, he casts the cheese out the window of the train.

     The American gets up and throws the lawyer out the window.

    An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."

    The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?
    "Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?
    "Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?

    A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

    "Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

    "I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

    "Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."

    The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

    "Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.

    The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"

    The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'"

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

Only in America:
(Begun as a fictional list, but the real "Only in Americas" are funnier, or at least stranger)

     Drive-through banks, pharmacies, and liquor stores.

     Parking lots (car parks) larger than the buildings they serve.

     Sugar-frosted honey-coated deep-fat-fried cheese sticks - and a Diet Coke.

     Bumper stickers that say "Honk if you hate noise pollution".

     Creationists who insist that the pharmaceutical drugs they use first be tested on monkeys and chimps.

     Football in which the ball is carried or propelled much more by hand than by foot.

     People who argue that human life is so sacred that abortion justifies capital punishment.

     A country where the "Lower Forty-eight" states are north of Hawaii, and where the "Continental U.S" doesn't include Alaska, which is clearly on the same continent.

     A country where everyone has time to mow their three-acre lawn each week, but no one has time to cook their own food.

     People who value equality so much that they think discrimination should be used to create it.

     Academic institutions known more for their athletes than their scholars.

     A country where the Big Ten has eleven schools, and a fifth is four fifths of a quart.

     A country where "evil-doer" and "do-gooder" are both negative characterizations.

     A country that claims to hate lawyers, and that elects only lawyers to public office.

     Prices of gasoline (petrol) prices that are a fraction of the price of drinking water - and people complaining about the price of gasoline.

     A State Department that has nothing to do with the states.

     "In God We Trust" written on every piece of money of a nation that alleges to separate church and state.

     A country where only the well-to-do ride bicycles.

     One of the world's most technologically advanced countries, with the most antiquated system of weights and measures.

     "The Land of the Free" with the world's second highest incarceration rate.                Explanation

     A principled refusal to ratify the 1989 United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. (Somalia is the only other nation with the same principles.)

      The federal government is trying to decide whether The FBI, the CIA, or the Los Angeles Police Department is the most effective at apprehending criminals. The issue is to be decided with a test - a rabbit is put in a forest and each organization has to find it.

     The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

     The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

     The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!


     Four literary scholars are conversing over drinks after a day at an international meeting. As the drinks begin to take effect, the British expert begins bragging.

     "Britain produced the finest form of literary expression in the sonnet," he says. "It's fourteen lines of perfect romantic expression."

     The Irish scholar retorts "Ireland produced a far more effective and efficient literary form in the limerick. In just five lines, we can express a variety of thoughts, many of them making fun of you Brits".

     The Japanese savant calmly says "In Japan we have perfected literary expression in the haiku. We express the most profound concepts in just three lines and seventeen syllables."

     The American jumps up and says, "Well, we can beat that. We've perfected communication with a one-unit literary form, and we've covered our entire country with it. It's the billboard".

      An American presidential election features four candidates. One advocates negotiating new and more extensive arms control treaties, one wants to set up new programs for elementary scools, one wants to end all taxation and set up extra printing presses to print the money to pay the government's debts, and one advocates invading Mexico "to finish what we should have done in 1846". The one concerned about arms control smoked marijuana in college, the one concerned about education has a brother with connections to organized crime, the one with the innovative fiscal policies is a minister, and the imperialist has been charged with drunk driving five times. So which one wins the election?

      The one who's never been accused of adultery.

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

    The hostess at a British historical site was trying to arrange tours for the visitors, so that they could hear the tour in their respective languages. "Auf Deutsch, hier", she called out, and "Francais ici". As the tourists separated into groups, one man was left in the middle. She walked over to him and asked, "Do you speak English?".

    The man responded with a bemused look, "Well, ma'am, I've been in your country three weeks, and I'm not sure anymore, so I'll let you decide. I'm an American."

Noteworthy dates in 20th-Century American history:
    1917 - When World War I began.
    1918 - When the U.S. won World War I.
    1941 - When World War II began.
    1945 - When the U.S. won World War II.

An American anthropology professor is lecturing on how to recognize the dominant features of a culture.

    "It's quite simple," she says. "Just look for the things to which, or for which, people make great sacrifices. In medieval Italy, look at how much money the people gave to the Catholic Church in their devotion to Jesus and the Virgin Mary. In pre-Columbian Mexico, look at the sacifice of humans on the Aztec altars of their gods. Even in modern India, look at the outrageous burdens placed on people in their remarkable veneration of cows. When people let something dominate their entire lives, to the extent that they don't even notice it anymore, that's the key sign of cultural obsession."

    "As a final note," she goes on, "it's striking that America is free of any dominant cultural obsession. That may be one of the hallmarks of a true demcracy."

    She begins to pick up her books. "I'm sorry, but that will be the end of lecture for today. My car's in the shop to have its radio repaired, and I need to get my rental car out of the parking lot before I get a fine, buy some gas, get across town before the rush hour traffic gets too bad, and pick up my car before the garage closes. I'm sure you all want to beat the traffic too. Class dismissed."

      When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

      A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

      Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

      Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."  


    Three recently deceased persons, a Brit, a Russian, and an American, are making their way down to Hell. Each is carrying something with him: The Brit is carrying a shovel, the Russian is carrying an extra pair of shoes, and the American is carrying some cans of liquid. As they trudge along, the American asks his comrades why they're carrying the things they are.

    The Brit responds, "Well, sir, I know the Devil keeps it awfully hot in Hell, and he makes blokes like us shovel coal to keep it that way. I was always fond of this particular shovel when I worked in the mines back home, so I brought it along for the job."

    The Russian responds, "Like our comrade says, it's awfully hot in Hell. These shoes have thick soles that protected me from the ice and snow of Siberia, and I'm hoping that they can save my feet from the hot ground on which we'll be toiling for eternity."

    The American puts down his cans and says in disbelief, "If it's as hot in Hell as you fellows say, then do you mean I'm not going to be able to get ice for my Coca-Cola?"

Americans (uh-mar'-i-kun) noun  1 Persons so socially maladjusted that they would leave, or be forcibly exiled from, their homeland and family to travel across vast oceans to the uncivilized frontiers of a distant continent. 2 Persons descended from one or more persons defined in 1 and commonly retainng the characteristics thereof.

     An American attending a formal ceremony in Britain listens as the formalities end with the singing of "God Save the Queen". As a reception begins afterwards, he strolls up to one of his British acquaintances and accosts her with a musical observation.

     "That was a very nice song you folks just sang, but it wasn't very inventive of you to use that particular tune."

     The Brit looks at him quizically and asks. "What do you mean? That's always been "God Save the Queen."

     "Well," the American replied, "I guess you Brits don't even realize how much you owe us Americans. The words were new, but that tune was clearly plagiarized from our "My Country, 'Tis of Thee".


     The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



What do you call a person who professionally generates maps of the world?
    A cartographer.

What do you call an academician who studies the global distribution of resources or cultural characteristics?
    A geographer.

What do you call a person who is ignorant of global geography?
    An American.

     On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of bears and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants will prosper. I shall call these inhabitants "Canadians", and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

     "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

     "Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.


(Many thanks to Arthur Judin for the contribution above.)  

What's the difference between Americans and the engines of the jets on which they travel abroad?

After they land, the engines of the jets quit whining.

In America, anyone can be elected president - as long as his father was president, his brother is governor of a state with lots of electoral votes, his state campaign co-chair in that state is in charge of certifying the state's election results, the police of that state keep members of racial minorities from getting to the polls to vote, and not even a plurality of votes across the nation is needed to be elected.

     An American travelling abroad was accosted by someone unimpressed with her homeland:
     "You Americans killed off the natives of your country, you stole half of Mexico, you pillaged the rest of the world, and now I've heard you want to take over half of Canada if Quebec splits away from that country! Have you no shame at all? Haven't you made enough of a mess already?"

     The American quickly shook her head and said, "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. Are you joking - with our terrible health care system, with our education system in disarray, with our entire social fabric torn apart, we aren't looking for new territory. We're just waiting for Ontario to annex us!"

  Sign on the wall of the American Army Green Beret headquarters:
"If you kill for joy, you are a sadist.
If you kill for money, you are a mercenary.
If you kill for both of the above, you are a Green Beret."

If God really bless USA - I would be an Atheist.

American jornalist interviews a French writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.

How does an American help heal the Argentian economy?
-As does an injection into an artificial limb.

A French in Paris ask one tourist:
- Do you want to hear one funny story about stupid Americans?
- Hey, guy, I'M AMERICAN!
- No problems, I can tell this story twice, if you don't understand at first.


Incarceration rates (number of persons imprisoned per 100,000 people): Russia 685;  USA 645;  Chile 375;  United Kingdom 125;  Argentina 120;  Canada 115;  People's Republic of China 115;  Mexico 110;  Denmark 65;  Vietnam 55;  Japan 40. Source: Roy Walmsley, World Prison Population List: (U.K.) Home Office Research, Development and Statistics Directorate, Research Findings No. 88, 1999.

"God save the king (or queen)" dates back to at least the 1740's as a British anthem, and its origins may be in the 1600s. It was thus a tune presumably familiar to British colonists in America. Fifty-six years after American independence, the words for "My country tis of thee . . ." were written in 1832 by Samuel F. Smith to provide an American anthem to the same tune. However, when Americans today hear the familiar tune of "God save the king", they almost always assume that their upstart version predates the original.